NFL Mockery Draft v1.1: Mockageddon!!!

When last we left our Mockery Draft:

Left Shark was still a thing
Dez Bryant hadn’t yet developed a sudden if not downright mysteriously convenient onset of “off the field issues”
Buffalo Wild Wings hideous new Buttery Maple sauce hadn’t been released upon the unsuspecting public
There was still time to decide to never, and I mean EVER, watch 50 Shades of Grey

Those days are gone my friends. Today we pick up the pieces and press forward with Part II of the Mockery Draft.

17. San Diego Chargers – Emmet

The Chargers are not exactly in the middle of a rebuilding project, but they are in the early stages of a much bigger job: moving to Los Angeles. They have one chance to get their new stadium right and when the stakes are that high, you can’t afford to leave anything to chance. Emmet’s a guy you can build a team around. Or a stadium. Or just about anything, really. He also has the best film of anyone in the draft.

18. Kansas City Chiefs – Christian Grey

Jamaal Charles is at a point in his career where he could fall apart at any point. Knile Davis is at a point in his career where he will still never be as good as Jamaal Charles. Charles is crazy expensive, Davis is ridiculously cheap and much younger. Despite being grossly underused Charles still averaged 5.0 yards per carry. Davis is a TD vulture. Handcuffs? Handcuffs.

19. Cleveland Browns – Dorial Beckham-Green

With the possibility of losing troubled but extremely talented wideout Josh Gordon looming, the Browns would be total idiots not to snatch up troubled but extremely talented wideout DBG here. There is also a better than 60% chance that they actually think he’s Odell Beckham Jr. It’s Cleveland after all. They’re not that bright.

20. Philadelphia Eagles – North West

The past two years Chip Kelly has gone 10-6. Each of the previous three seasons at Oregon he won 12 games. Now while it’s not nearly as easy to win at the NFL level as it is in college, the trend here is not convincing. He’s not winning games against winning teams. The NFC East was terrible last year and nearly as bad this year. Getting to 10 wins this year will be an uphill climb and Chip still doesn’t have his QB yet. Which may not make a difference anyway because he’s gotten every QB he’s gotten his hands on so far killed.

What’s this got to do with North West, America’s least happy baby? Plenty. She knows what she likes and she’s not afraid to loudly object while everyone else sits by quietly. North is primed to lead the chorus of boos that are primed to rain down on the Eagles this upcoming season. As an added bonus she’s also going to be able to be a potential two-sport star with the Sixers tanking at an epic pace. Another added bonus: Her dad can redesign the team uniforms. Who wouldn’t want to see that?

21. Cincinnati Bengals – Abraham Van Helsing

Marvin Lewis cannot coach. Marvin Lewis has never won anything. Marvin Lewis is somehow still a coach in a league where black coaches had to have a special rule in place to make sure they even get an opportunity to get an interview much less hang on to a job. I’ve never seen Marvin Lewis’s reflection. This can only mean one thing: Marvin Lewis is a vampire… let’s call him Coachula. If the Bengals are ever going to take the next stop, they’ve got to kill him*. There’s only one man for the job.

You know what you’ve got to do, Cincinnati. Do it. Do it.

22. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Antareans

Okay, I realize that none of you remember the movie Cocoon so I’ll make this brief. It was a good movie. Basically aliens came to Earth and inadvertently made a bunch of old people young again. That’s more or less a best case scenario for Pittsburgh’s defense at this point. Yes I’m comparing Troy Polamalu to Wilfred Brimley. It’s apt.

23. Detroit Lions – Liam Neesom

Dear Lions GM Martin Mayhew,

I don’t know who you are going to draft. I don’t know who you want. If you’re looking for advice I can tell you that I don’t have any, but what I do have are a very particular set of season tickets. Season tickets I have acquired over a very long fandom. Season tickets that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you promise not to take a RB in the first round that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not email you. But if you do take a RB, I will Google you, I will find your Twitter handle and I will kill you. On Twitter.

Good luck.

24. Arizona Cardinals – Col. Mustard

Despite going to the playoffs and making a run at the #1 seed, Arizona needs just about everything. On top of this ,their cap is a hot mess and to top it off they decided to re-up Larry Fitzgerald despite the fact this is a deep WR draft and they have no QB of the future. Get these guys a clue, ASAP.

25. Carolina Panthers – Flo

Cam Newton may not be the answer at QB or Designated Driver. The really need some insurance in case Cam continues to struggle with his accuracy or if he flips another Monster Jam truck.

26 Baltimore Ravens – ***FORFEIT PICK UNTIL THEY STOP BLAMING WOMEN FOR BEING THE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ADMIT THEY TOLD JANAY RICE TO APOLOGIZE FOR HER ROLE IN GETTING HER FACE CAVED IN***

27. Dallas Cowboys – %$#@ the Cowboys.

28. Denver Broncos – Towelie

Dual threat pick: Can dry off Peyton Manning now that he’s completely washed, can also smoke his face off legally.

29. Indianapolis Colts – I don’t care as long as whoever it is shaves Andrew Luck’s face.

30. Green Bay Packers – Me

Aaron Rodgers has won a Super Bowl, MVPs and is dating Olivia Munn. He’s also more or less a total jerk. Yet somehow all he can manage to get in the way of off the field publicity is insurance commercials? Peyton Manning sells America insurance on his way to move a few Buicks and pick up a Papa John’s pizza. Aaron is doing it all wrong, so much so his crowning achievement in the past three years has been having Key and Peele mispronounce his name. He even got replaced in his own commercial by some guy that kinda looked like him! This is pitiful. So much so I’m willing to put aside my intense hatred of the Packers and give this guy a image makeover.

RIP: A-a-ron. Hello: Cheezus.

We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us, but look for Cheezus to grab the mic from the last guy in the green room this year and remind us all that he was the greatest last guy left in the green room of all time! It’s going to be awesome!

31. Seattle Seahawks – Men in Black

Nothing to do but grab that Neuralizer and forget about it. Still good enough to win it all next year.

32. New England Patriots -Run The Jewels

Brady and Belichick are the Killer Mike and El-P of the NFL. Doesn’t matter you like them or love them, you can’t hate on them. They’re hands down the best tandem in the game.

*I’m just kidding Cincinnati fans. Please do not kill Marvin Lewis. Even though he is most definitely a vampire.

Pretty please follow The Twice on Twitter @nokidsand3money.